Week 6 - FAML 200

There is so much to study and remember, but I want it all. I have learned a great deal about parenting. How I can be a better parent. I really enjoyed this week, it was about punishments vs. discipline and focusing on the solutions.

l am a parent that has tried to control my kids, somewhat authoritative. My father was this way and my parenting DNA comes from my parents. I got to interview both my parents for an assignment and it was interesting the perspective they had and the one I had. My parents are and were great parents. They did what they thought was right and important as do I as a parent. Through this class and other life experiences, I am learning there are better ways, parenting is frustrating and hard and wonderful and I need to remember what the end goal these. These are not fully my children but Heavenly Father's and he has just asked me to teach them. Remember are your parenting situations "doing to or working with parenting."

"The more you try to use power to control your children, the less influence you will have in their lives." -Thomas Gordon.
"Punishment ruins any good that could come from an explanation."

When punishing I need to help the kids think about the consequences to others that they caused. Laura Ward and Janeen are really good at this. They point out to their children what others must feel and how the specific child would feel if it were them. They both turn the situations into a positive experience by encouraging their children to think of others. This helps us to become unselfish and find purpose in life. I know I am not a perfect parent and many days still struggle, but I'm learning and trying.

Week 5 - FAML 200

The Parenting Pyramid by The Arbinger Institute suggests there are two questions we ask ourselves as parents during the controversy. What do we do when things go wrong? Second, How do I help things go right?

"Whatever our individual circumstances with our children, the key to effective parenting is to reverse this order in the expenditure of time and energy. It is to begin focusing our energy on helping things go right, rather than on handling them once they have gone wrong."

"If we try to correct our kids when other elements of the pyramid are not in place, our correction will always be wrong."

Oh, why is it that my parenting falls into these categories. I feel like I've always done things wrong. If I could only go back, fix things from the beginning. This class is wonderful, the teachings are pure and at the heart of what is good and what is right. I want to help my children know how to change their own lives for the better. It is so hard not to focus on the problem but to focus on the solution.

Week 4 - FAML 200

We learned all about the Choice Diagram. It shows that sometimes we put ourselves in a box. A Better-than, I-deserve, More-than, kind of box. This affects our relationship with others. It alters how we treat them, what we say, and how we act.
I enjoyed this week, I have taken this understanding of the Choice Diagram and watched others around me. It happens all the time. My children do it, I do it, my husband, friends, people I don't even know. It is interesting that once we are taught about certain ideas we see them all over. I am glad that I am also learning how to change them. Parenting is so hard but I want to have a good attitude and learning from my mistakes is part of that.

Week 3 - FAML 220

Whew, this week was a lot. I read a good part of two books.

Mindset by Carol Dweck and
Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute

They were both very powerful. Mindset helps me see the difference between having a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. As I read, I started seeing these mindsets pop up everywhere and I could see the effect of them.
Fixed Mindset: Brigham had his first soccer practice. The coach ran the kids hard playing games and they were dripping sweat at the end of practice. I was impressed. Then the coach had a short parent meeting. He went over everything from the uniform to the treat schedule. At the end, he started talking about the SWAT teams and how they have played for years with each other and are really very good. With all the boys listening he added, because of this, they would never win. Don't ever expect to win. I was so sad for these boys. I know the coach's thoughts were coming from a well-meaning place, but he just fixed it in their mind it doesn't matter how hard they try.
Growth Mindset: Franklin was asked to ride his bike to the small store down the street to buy a drink for a plumber friend who had done some work for us. He got home happily pulling out the drink only to find out he bought the wrong thing. He was sorrowful and felt some guilt over the experience. His father and the plumber praised his effort and willingness. This would help him realize those are important pieces for a life of success.The book about mindset teaches to praise effort not ability. Then we can link effort to success and children won't give up on things because they know effort will get them there.
With my Zoom group we talked about things that we each have wanted to stop doing but how having a growth mindset keeps us going. I know with school and parenting this is very important. A growth mindset helps me continue to keep trying and keep doing better every day.

The Anatomy of Peace is a good book that explores if we have a heart at war or a heart at peace towards others. I realize over the years the times I have a heart at war are times I have been frustrated or controlling. It has been especially hard with specific children to remember they are individuals and important people with thoughts and opinions too. I need to daily make a decision to foster having a heart of peace towards these individuals and all people that I choose to surround myself with. Having a heart of peace is an interesting decision that is individual but affects everyone around us.

Week 2 - FAML 220

There were really good reading for class this week. We studied all sorts of beginnings with parenting.

Some readings were about gender and how it is evident in babies. Male and female brains are put together, or wired differently. The readings focused in on sight and hearing and how boys are different from girls. When these things are considered then we might understand that girls hear better than boys and when looking at something boys are drawn to see things differently. Parenting is effected when I know and understand these principles.

Some of the readings talked about temperament. I thought about how I can balance my own temperament as a parent. I also studied nine points of temperament. Each of these fits into an active or passive temperament, but can also stand on their own.
Activity level
Rhythmicity
Initial response
Adaptability
Sensory threshold
Quality of mood
Intensity of reaction
Distractibility
Persistence and attention span
I rated each of my children to see if I understood where they were at in each area. Some were easy to see, others were harder to judge.

We learned about the 'goodness of fit' when it comes to parenting. Either we can change the child to fit the environment, change the environment to fit the child, or trust what we've taught our children and let them go.

Personally I learned that I cannot compare my children, to each other, or to other children. They are individuals and I need to focus on that more. The DAP (developmentally appropriate practices) help me know how to look at them this way.

We had some readings about Baumrind's parenting styles,
Permissive
Authoritative,
Authoritarian,
and Un-involved.
I enjoyed these readings. I sometimes feel guilty about what I am not doing or doing too much. It has been good to have the reminder of what each of these styles looks like and how they effect children. I can see better what I need to change to help my children in a better way.

FAML 220 - Parenting

FAML 220 is a course I am taking this summer through BYU-I. It is a parenting class and I will journal and post about the things I am learning for my future self.

First off, they reminded us the importance of learning besides trying to get a good grade. It was a good reminder to hear and think about how I can focus more on what I am studying and how to take things into my life. I think I have come up with a couple things I need to do. I will need to pray for help with my learning and to understand what readings I am studying. I will also try to spend a good amount of time studying and pondering about what I read. Having conversations with Patrick or other parents helps me to take more into my life too.

The first week was interesting. I learned about how to tell false from truth. The class was reminded of Uchtdorf's talk about the blind men feeling and trying to explain what an elephant is. We were also told that we are 'purpose masters,' and that we should learn how to 'direct thyself' as the scriptures say. This is part of my job as a parent to teach my children to learn and direct their own lives. 

 

"Finishers Wanted"

President Monson gave a talk once where he spoke about a sign in a furniture store window. The sign read "Finishers Wanted." “In life, as in business, there has always been a need for those persons who could be called finishers. Their ranks are few, their opportunities many, their contributions great.”  He then taught six marks of a finisher and said that they were vital to our success. 

Mark of vision. 

Mark of effort. 

Mark of faith. 

Mark of virtue.

Mark of courage.

Mark of prayer.

I might suggest that when thinking about the future, when contemplating what your plans are and what God’s plans might be for you, you think about each of these marks. Is there an area you are struggling with? Are they a part of you? How can others’ lives be affected when they see these marks in you?

Jim Ritchie from the Launching Leaders series for my B183 course stated, "Most people fail in life because they do not understand how to balance their roles and responsibilities." I might add also because they do not have enough faith in themselves or their Heavenly Father. I believe that one must understand who they are and what they are required to do. Yes, we each have responsibilities that we must fulfill. As parents, friends, homeowners, employees, business people, or members of a religion. But I also firmly believe that there is so much more to life than the drudgery of what is expected of us. So many people settle for where they just end up, there is more than this. God put us here to learn and grow. The prophets have said that He is willing to hand over everything He has to us. I want to be worthy of all of that. I don't know exactly why I am in school or what I will do with my degree, but I know God is leading my life. I know that he is helping me to understand that his vision of my capabilities is greater than my own. There must be trust between us. I must have faith in the path that is under my feet and the person I am following. Then I can more fully understand my roles and responsibilities in each facet of life, and I will have the strength to reach this greater destination. I will count myself successful. I will be a finisher!

Gratitude Changes Everything

Little Heidi has been using such good manners. At three years old she remembers to say 'please and thank you' better than my older children. It kind of takes my by surprise sometimes but it always makes me smile.

I work with the elementary school choir and there is a woman that comes to help. She is the speech specialist for the school. She has given advice to me and the other director -who happens to be her daughter- and it is so good. She always encourages us not to say anything negative but to point out the positive to the children. I want to incorporate this into my family life. As a mother it is so hard being positive and showing gratitude. I feel like I have to point out the things they are doing wrong, that's my job isn't it? Au, contraire! Your job is to teach, lead, exemplify. In order to do this you must show gratitude.
Thomas S. Monson said, "We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude." 

Life will take it's turns and while I am doing all that I can to prepare for what comes wether it be with family, or as an entrepreneur the words of the song Count Your Many Blessings come to mind. Gratitude is a personal choice even when other life problems may seem to be dealt to us.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

"It is not what you have, but who you are. And who you are is not what you say, but what you do.” -Tom at Bain and Company

President Monson said, “What an exciting life is available for each one of us today. We can be explorers in spirit with a mandate to make this world better by discovering improved ways of living and doing things. God left the world unfinished for man to work his skill. He left the electricity in the cloud, the oil in the earth. He left the rivers unbridged and the forests unfelled and the cities unbuilt. God gives to man the challenge of raw materials, not the ease of finished things. He leaves the pictures unpainted and the music unsung and the problems unsolved, that man might know the joys and the glories of creation. True pioneers solve problems and rise to bless others by opening new frontiers and finishing the undone work God left for us to do.” This quote makes me excited to look around me and see what I have to work with. The options are endless, I am so grateful for this Earth and the good things on it. The Lord's plan really is perfect. He provided everything we would need to learn, grow, and create.

I read and watched a college conference talk by Robert Gay. It was very insightful about what is important in business and life. He pointed out that, "beyond making ends meet, whether you have little or much of this world’s goods, will never be a fundamental determining factor of personal peace and happiness, but rather it is your attitude towards wealth that will be critical." It is easy to forget that so much depends on our attitude and so little on the small tasks throughout the day. I am grateful for the small reminders to be in control and to be positive.

Charles Handy reminds us of "The purpose of a business" in an article called What's a Business For? "It is not to make a profit, full stop. It is to make a profit so that the business can do something more or better. That “something”becomes the real justification for the business." In my desire to have a business I have thought about the income I would receive. I would be foolish not to admit that there has been some excitement about the money I might gain. There have also been thoughts about the people I could help and the service I can give. This also brings me happiness. There are many positive things to do with money. Robert Gay warned that, "firms are likely to fail if they only follow the key rule of money, and look solely to maximize profits... Our aim must be to do His will, not ours, in all our spiritual as well as temporal activities." The scriptures also remind us to "seek ye first the kingdom of God," and then other blessings will be added upon us and we should have money to share with others and help the poor. Brother Gay quoted something that helps us to remember what can happen when we think of service first. This is called the Shetobreyon principle. 

“In the days of service, all things were founded, 
In the days of special privilege, they deteriorated, and 
In the days of vanity they are destroyed.” 

Attitude On Money

I had small jobs throughout the first years of marriage and when the babies started coming. There was usually an extra few dollars for me to spend on groceries or things for the home. As I prepared to have our fifth child things changed. I didn't work anymore. Months after sweet pea was born, I was grocery shopping at the store. As I soothed my baby and pushed the shopping cart around I was overcome by the prices of food and the calculations going on in my head. Maybe I was hormonal, maybe I felt like I wasn't contributing monetarily anymore, maybe I worried about feeding and providing for our five growing children. I grew hot and dizzy. I froze momentarily trying to discern my emotions. This must be what anxiety can do to someone. It was crippling. My initial reaction was to run, grab my bag and baby and get out. Not wanting to make a scene I tried to take deep breaths and remain calm. It was difficult to convince myself that I was ok. My husband had a very good job. We had enough money to pay for the food we eat and the home we live in. This was a realization that money and I have had a rocky past with many fears involved. Since my minor attack, I have coped with these emotions by reminding myself of the great blessings given to me. We have wonderful stores that provide a variety of food and non-food items. We budget so that there is enough money for food and the necessities of life. My husband is a wonderful loving father who strives to care for his children and makes it so I can be a stay-at-home mother. Telling myself that it is a blessing to have money and be able to take care of our needs helps me to have a better attitude about earning, saving, and spending money. 

I use money almost everyday. Through my experience I have learned that I need to view money as a helpful part of life. I was reminded recently of the story in the bible, "The Good Samaritan." Money made it possible for the Samaritan to care for the injured man. He already had things to put on and bind up his wounds then, he had money to later bring to the host repaying him what was used to care for the injured man.

In "Attitude on Money" an article by Stephen W. Gibson it gives us a few rules to live by when it comes to money. 

Rule 1. Seek the Lord and have hope in him
Rule 2. Keep the commandments, that includes the temporal ones, tithing and fast offerings.
Rule 3. Think about money and plan how you can become self-reliant.
Rule 4. Take advantage of chances for learning so you will not be ignorant of these matters. Education, as President Hinckley has taught us, is the Key to Opportunity.
Rule 5. Learn the laws upon which the blessings of wealth are predicated.
Rule 6. Do not send away the naked, the hungry, the thirsty or the sick or those who are held captive.
 

What Spare Time?

Today was a great day. I ran three miles around the neighborhood, registered for next semester at BYU-I online, took little Heidi to the library for story time, completed the laundry, shopped at the store, baked two pies, babysat my five nephews, taught two piano lessons, did some homework and made a delicious dinner, all before reading and snuggling my three youngest children at their bedtime. While most days are not this productive for me as a stay at home mom, today felt great. On a side note I do feel fulfillment even when I spend the whole day playing with my children, my home, or even completing just one of the above tasks. The focus of my feelings today is on knowing that I applied myself, the part of me that reaches for more, to manage and execute each task at hand. I've been thinking about my day after reading an article by Stevenson and Gumpert called The Heart of Entrepreneurship for the Harvard Business Review it talked about what we have to offer that is of the most worth. They opened up about how much entrepreneurs are able to control and how this changes their lives and businesses when compared to corporate businesses. They said, "My most valuable assets are intelligence, energy, and experience." I think I applied those three to my day today. I was smart about how I used my time. Based on past experience I knew how to work the tasks into the time I was given, I also maintained my energy throughout the day which is irregular since daylight savings time changed a few days ago. There are many more times now where the rush of the day comes and I feel prepared to  sweep through the day. I learn in each class and through each life experience a little more about myself and my abilities. Taylor Richards Think Big video says, "Do not over or under estimate yourself. Involve the Lord and you can do anything. It is no harder to do great things than it is to do good things." So reach a little farther, for a little more.